The Contract

I, [print your name here] (heretofore referred to as “The Man”), being of sound mind, have entered into a relationship with [print girl’s name here] (heretofore referred to as “The Lady”). By signing below, I hereby agree to abide by all the rules as set out within this contract in perpetuity.

Clause 1: Dates
A. The Man will pay unless otherwise specified by The Lady.

B. The Lady may eat just a side salad if that is her wish, and The Man will not complain.

C. The Man will not be expected to plan every date. He will be chivalrous, but he will not be the cruise director of the relationship. Likewise, The Lady will not be expected to make all of the plans.

D. If The Man would like to attend an event that he knows The Lady will despise, he is advised to do so with other people (See Clause 5: Extra-Curricular Activities). However, should he deem a night at the ball game, dirty sports bar with scantily clad waitresses, or Kung-Fu movie to be a necessity within the scope of the relationship, he should make plans (transportation, tickets, etc.) for this evening himself.

1. By accepting this Man-partisan date, The Lady will be guaranteed one (1) date on which both parties participate in an activity of her choice—including, but not limited to: The Ballet, “Chick Flick”, or a fancy French restaurant.

Clause 2: Dialogue
A. The Man will never discuss an ex-girlfriend.

1. Rule 2-A above may be broken if The Man mentions a deep and abiding flaw in the ex-girlfriend, while also discussing ways in which The Lady betters said ex.

B. If The Man wants something or wants to know something, he will ask. There will be no hints or guessing games. Furthermore there will be no “Whatever you want dear” unless said man wants to get hit in the “Hurty Spot”

C. Any cute nicknames that The Man has devised for The Lady will never be spoken in public. See Clause 6, Section a, Subsection 3 for explanation.

1. Furthermore, The Man may not devise any nickname that includes an adjective regarding the softness of The Lady’s midsection (i.e. Squishy, chunky, etc…).

Clause 3: The Bedroom
A. During moments of physicality, The Lady will be given the right to voice her wishes so that The Man knows how best to make her enjoy the experience. This will not be taken as an insult by The Man, as The Lady is not trying to insult him. The Lady is trying to make the experience better for both, because when The Lady is happy, so is The Man.

B. The Lady reserves the right to her favorite side of the bed at all times, no exceptions. She may permit The Man to rest on her chosen side if she wishes, but should she find herself tossing and turning at 3 a.m., it is her right to reclaim said side with no ill will from The Man.

Clause 4: Family
A. The Man will not ask The Lady to meet his family until at least one month of dating has been completed.

B. Upon meeting The Lady’s mother, The Man will not say anything derogatory about said mother, or how crazy the mother is, or how the mother hit on The Man.

Clause 5: Extracurricular Activities
A. The Lady will be guaranteed at least one Girls’ Night per week, chosen at her discretion. He will also retain at least two extra “floating” Girls’ Nights per month in case of a friend break down or should an impromptu post-work visit to the bar arise.

B. The Man can never be angry with a man for attending Girls’ Night.

C. The Man will not call The Lady more than once per Girls’ Night.

D. The Man is encouraged to go out with his own friends as a means for keeping his independence and sense of self. However, there are ground rules for these engagements:

1. The Lady doesn’t want to know if the situation involves any of the following; strippers, flirty co-workers, fart jokes or how much alcohol The Man’s best friend vomited.
2. No. Ex-Girlfriends. Ever.

Clause 6: Love
A. Should the two parties remain together long enough to reach Relationship Level: Serious, The Man understands that he will, at some point, be called upon to vocally express his appreciation of The Lady in the strongest method possible. When the time comes, the following rules shall govern the use of Those Three Words Which Shall Not Yet Be Spoken.

1. The Man will be the first party to speak the phrase. He will do so clearly and while making eye contact so that The Lady knows it is she who is being spoken to. The Man will allow The Lady at least five (5) minutes to respond in kind. This reprieve does not mean she doesn’t feel the same way, only that she is apt to be flustered, frightened, and suddenly stricken with cotton-mouth.
2. After the first time the Lady arranges the words “I,” “you,” and “love” into a sentence, he will not be required to do so in response every time The Man speaks the phrase. The Man will also accept “Me, too,” “Ditto,” or a well timed smirk in return.
3. The Man will never speak the three-worded phrase when The Lady is in the presence of either friends or co-workers. This is done out of respect for the mockery that is sure to result should she be forced to reciprocate while with said company.

By signing below, you agree to all rules as laid out in this contract, effectively guaranteeing that you will make The Lady a truly happy person for the rest of her life, or until you realize that she is a control freak who requires her boyfriends to sign legally binding documents.

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Print your name

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Signature

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Date